Work Hard & Be Kind

overkill...........

2010-07-03T13:00:00.001-07:00

Sorry guys, (all 3 of you). I got a job at the casino last month, so between Eddie Bauer & that I was working like 72 hours a week. I was doing good on my workout regimen until about 3 weeks ago when I had a Burger King relapse. It went downhill from there until the local Police Department asked me to come take their IQ test. (I passed). Now, next week I have an oral board with them, then soon after that, a fit test. Eddie Bauer fired me for being late a couple of times, so it's just the casino for now, plus school started Friday. Wish me luck on the Police Test all, if I think of anymore updates, I'll be sure to let ya know!

--Harms

Struggles & Overcoming....

2010-05-13T13:21:00.001-07:00

I have been doing good, but along with going to job interviews, starting school this week & continuing my diet and exercise program I am also struggling to keep pushing myself forward when my mind tells me to just lay around the house and mope again. I'm not going to write down everytime it happens, but it does happen.....ALOT. Anyway, I have tomorrow off and I'm going to be finishing up some shots since my first video was a success. I have 3 videos due! Everyone on FB loved them and it has almost 250 hits on YouTube, which inspires me to just keep working harder. Next paycheck I'm buying new shoes and getting a haircut!

One thing though. I don't know if I will be ready in time for July's PT test. But, it's still good to work towards the original goal in order to not quit, I mean, who knows? Maybe, by some sheer luck, I'll be in enough shape to pass it!!

Thanks guys for the comments, I'm hanging in there, hope you are too!

Bzzzzzzzzzz

2010-05-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

Busy, busy busy.............this week I worked at Eddie Bauer, signed up for school next week, ate right, exercised and worked on a book I'm writing.........sorry no updates yet in stats, first.....a nap!

--Harmony

YAY!!

2010-04-30T14:28:00.000-07:00

Feeling FANTASTIC today! Went to work from 8-12, then someone from work said they had seen my video on FB and wanted to know if I needed any help, so doing some final shots with her this evening before I post videos #3 and #4 tomorrow.....aren't you all just SO EXCITED??

--Harms

Ugh....

2010-04-29T14:06:00.001-07:00

Woke up at 3:00am with a toothache, but decided to still continue my routine through the pain. However, as I was getting dressed and eating breakfast, I threw up 3x. Good thing I had the day off. Maybe tomorrow will be better...

--Harms

P.S. Stay tuned for the next 2 vids this weekend!

Wet Day....

2010-04-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

But no rain is going to deter me! (Although, the fat burner made me quite nauseous today..........)

Thankyou Coco...

2010-04-27T04:54:00.001-07:00

Just so you guys know, ever since I decided to REALLY put Conan's words to the test and try to better my life, I have started losing weight, been happier, met more people.....and I got a job! I'm even registering to go back to school! And now I work part-time at "Eddie Bauer"!

THANKYOU CONAN O'BRIEN!!!

--Harmony

My first week working out...

2010-04-27T00:52:00.000-07:00

My first week was sooooooo difficult.....I was sore every night and, (as you can plainly see), my exercise routine kinda sucked. Yes, I'm fat. Yes I'm out of shape. Feel free to laugh at my antics, but at least I'm trying....right now I'm in my 3rd week and things are going alot better, stay tuned for the next video.....and PLEASE COMMENT!!!

--Harms

My Life--Part One

2010-04-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

The first video in my series of obtaining my weight loss and career goals....sorry it took so long to make....stay tuned!

--Harms

Diet (& Exercise) Week 2--(4-24-10)

2010-04-24T21:48:00.000-07:00

My Numbers:

Stomach 44 1/2"
Hips 49 3/8"
Upper Arm 17 7/8"
Forearm 12 3/8"
Wrist 6 7/8"
Neck 14 5/8"
Thigh 28 1/4"

Weight 224

BMI = 37.3

My Test Scores:

2-Minute Push-ups......37.....(84%)(pass)

2-Minute Sit-ups........23......(36%)(fail)
2-Mile Run............19:53.....(65%)(pass)

Diet (& Exercise) Week 1--(4-17-10)

2010-04-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

Here is the website where I learned about the testing coming up in July:

http://egov.oregon.gov/OSP/RECRUIT/trooper_testing.shtml

And here are the PT testing requirements:

http://usmilitary.about.com/od/army/l/blfitfem27to31.htm

And here are my numbers:

Stomach 47 1/2 "
Hips 50 3/8 "
Upper Arm 19 1/4"
Forearm 13 1/2 "
Wrist 7 1/2 "
Neck 15 1/4"
Thigh 31 1/8"

Weight 233

BMI = 40

Test: (You need a 60% to pass)

2-Minute Push-ups......21.....(61%)(pass)

2-Minute Sit-ups.........7......(21%)(fail)
2-Mile Run........21:30......(51%)(fail)

That's it....

2010-04-09T19:57:00.000-07:00

OK guys....those who are still here....

In the past 2 1/2 months I have been up and down and up and down with my emotions and my motivation for turning my life around.

I tried to tackle too many things at once, sharing the stories about my kids, my brother and my daily pathetic life here.

I haven't worked in over 9 weeks, and have just laid around the house and gotten fatter and lazier and more depressed.

Things are going to just keep cycling through day after day for years on end unless I do something about it.

I am not seeing a psychologist for my depression, I am not on anti-depressants, I have no family supporting me and no friends to talk to.

I know that I can't just "get over it".....but I need to at least make the first steps towards recovery instead of just wallowing in my misery.

My parents have upset me about a few things lately......but I am just going to focus on me for awhile.

A couple of weeks ago I saw a website saying that the next testing for the Oregon State Police, (Highway Patrol), was coming up in July.

It is a 2-day test, with half of the applicants dropping out after the first day because of the Physical Fitness test.....the same test that I had to take for every month that I was in the military.

I can do this guys....maybe that's what I am supposed to do with my life. I want to help others, and I want my life to have meaning....

I am sorry that I have been leaving angry and depressing posts on here. Especially if some of you guys started following me to give me support, or wanted me to support you. I don't know who all reads this, but I just read through every comment and would like to say thankyou from the bottom of my heart for giving me something that my mother never has....hope. Faith. Believing in someone.

Thankyou.

Now let's do this thing!

--Harmony

P.S. I will be posting on a daily business....and posting videos weekly.

My parents killed my brother.....

2010-04-07T14:22:00.000-07:00

.........and now they're killing me...............

Why?

2010-03-31T20:48:00.000-07:00

I don't even know why I write this stupid blog......it doesn't help heal the hurt or pain inside......my daily life isn't any better off since starting it......nobody reads it......if I waste away to nothing, I have accomplished nothing in my life and left behind no legacy, so who cares?

frustration...

2010-03-31T17:23:00.000-07:00

One day turns into the next......I wake up at 4:00pm.......if I take pills to sleep, they won't help me GET to sleep for 36 hours, and once I DO sleep, I'll sleep for 14 hours........if I don't take pills to sleep, I'll stay awake even longer.......I spend my day on Facebook, my blog, (writing dozens of drafts that never make it here), and on job-hunting websites......everyday I fill out at least 10 applications or send in resumes........sometimes I go out to the mailbox and search it's empty contents while sending out more resumes that won't get answered.......I get all excited, thinking of the jobs I could get, that would pay well and make me feel useful with my skills and knowledge........then I get really, really depressed when nothing happens, even after job interviews, thankyou letters and followup phone calls......

It became really bad this past week.

I felt like cutting again.

I haven't cut myself since the military, and about 6 months after I left the military. The last time was in 2005. I still have the scars. Once I had kids, I promised myself never to harm myself again.

But, I have no children anymore. I have no happiness. I have no reason to live.

I don't even know where the thought came from, I just must really be at the very, very bottom.

Maybe Conan was wrong......

Elpis weird sleeping position...

2010-03-25T03:53:00.000-07:00

News and Plans....

2010-03-24T01:47:00.000-07:00

I went to the ER last night. After discovering that I have no insurance, they had a doctor talk to me for 5 minutes then sent me on my way. The right side of my body, including my chest, neck and ear, are VERY sore and tender, but I didn't even get a stethoscope put on me, a tongue depressor shoved in my mouth or one of those light-magnifier thingies put in my ear. Nope, no blood drawn, no urine collected, and I missed the bus and had no choice but to walk 2 miles home in the dark. This just makes me resent rich people even more.....

Sorry & Sore

2010-03-21T22:18:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my last post. Whenever a woman has a man in her life, be it brother, lover, roommate or best friend, she cares for them, whether they reciprocate the love or not.

I was just frustrated at Brian for me cleaning up after him, doing dishes, helping him find a job and cooking for him/buying him food without him ever acknowledging or saying thankyou.

Part #2, the upper right part of my sternum feels swollen and tender. Looking it up, I've found that it could be an infection in my lymph nodes. I have no medical insurance, but I will call a doctor tomorrow and see if it's anything serious.

Of course, I will keep the 6 people who may or may not read this updated.

--Harms

Brian

2010-03-19T00:30:00.001-07:00

My roommate needs to start buying his own fucking food

interviews.....

2010-03-18T15:00:00.000-07:00

So, I went to interview today for a job as a security guard at the local casino, and I think it went ok. But, I'm still depressed about having to go back to work.

I hate money. It used to be we could trade good or services and barter to get what we want. And I hate the rich stupid snobby socialites of Hollywood, (Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson), who spend more on a purse than I make in a year then set a bad example for young girls. They don't have to worry about where their next meal come from, and if they did they'd probably throw it up.

And I hate feeling this way inside. I feel so hollow, so empty, so void, so barren. I still haven't wept yet for losing my children. I still haven't mourned yet at the loss of my brother. I still have trouble eating, sleeping and getting out of bed in the morning.

I still don't care if I live or die.....

So why go back to work?

Elpis

2010-03-16T03:25:00.000-07:00

I got a kitty last week. I named her "Elpis". In another blog I will explain what that name means.

I also have 2 job interviews this week, but like I said, I wish I didn't have to work right now. However, my landlord came over and had an emotional breakdown last week about the rent I owe. She put me on a guilt trip about how much she's done for me. *sigh*

Wish me luck with the interviews. I don't even know if anyone ever reads this.

Working Hard!!

2010-03-11T11:06:00.000-08:00

OK, so I have been really working hard this week. By discipline, (and Tylenol PM), I have gotten into a regular sleeping schedule. I have arisen out of bed at a decent hour and eaten a round meal. Then off I go to "Worksource", a place near the library that helps people find jobs. Everyday I have gone there. I have sent out cover letters, resumes and applications through faxes, emails and regular mail. I have made phone calls and searched through job listings on Craig's List, Monster, Careerbuilder, Indeed & many, many others. I have applied for minimum wage jobs to $100,000 a year jobs. I am taking a Census test this Saturday at the library.

I really, really don't feel like working right now, but I am forcing myself to. I really don't feel like getting out of bed, walking around, talking to people, but I am. I'm glad I am trying to be motivated, but it's more like I am forcing myself to be dragged around and tortured by life.

Still, I'm a grownup, and I must be responsible. No more being depressed and lying around the house. I promised myself I would never be homeless again.

*SIGH*

This is so hard.....

--Harms

Work hard...

2010-03-08T01:22:00.000-08:00

I have not been following my new motto. Tomorrow I am spending all day looking for a career. Not 5 minimum wage jobs that pay low, give me 7 hours a week and anything that a trained monkey could do.

I am going to apply as a police officer. I am going to apply as an electrician. As a cable/phone/computer installer. I AM GOING TO TRY UNTIL I FIND SOMETHING.

I am not going to be on foodstamps, welfare or unemployment. And, most of all, I am NOT GOING TO BE HOMELESS EVER AGAIN.

Here goes....

2010-03-04T08:22:00.000-08:00

I was depressed. I laid in bed for 3 weeks. I didn't leave the house, I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat. I cried. I beat myself up about it, but I still just lay there day after day, waiting to be evicted, yelled at, or just decay into nothingness. But, something came over me. Yes, there is noone to talk to. Yes, I recently moved across the country and don't know anyone here and have no base of support. Yes, if I continue to do nothing I will probably be on the street and become a loser who wastes away her life.

But I can do it.

I can pull myself out of this funky foggy hole that I am in.

I can look for a good-paying, skilled job.

I can go to school again.

I can go to church again.

I can go out and meet people.

I can eat right, sleep right and exercise.

I can think happy thoughts.

I can get over losing my brother.

I can get over losing my kids.

I can start ot write and do the things that I love and brought me joy before.

I can do it!!

Now let's go!

--Harms

Brrrr.......shivers

2010-02-10T03:26:00.000-08:00

Had my neighbor from downstairs over for lasagna last night. Afterwards, in the laundry room, she told me something that shocked me. I had only met her once or twice before, (when she first moved in and when she was locked out last week), but she said that the previous evening she had had a dream about me. She said that she had seen me in the dream and asked me wht I was running from.....

Am I running? By not talking to my family? By moving from Hawaii? Should I have kept fighting for my kids, even if I knew I wouldn't win? By focusing on improving my life now, am I ignoring the things that need "fixed"?

Serious reflection needed tonight.....

Half Full......

2010-02-09T15:56:00.000-08:00

Got a spurt of energy today. The sun was out and I was focused. I took out the trash, did the dishes, threw in a load of laundry & even sat down to work on an old screenplay. Maybe tomorrow I can start looking for a new job :P

In a rut....

2010-02-09T02:06:00.001-08:00

The weather has been dreary for days. In this time, I have eaten a lot of carbs/sugar, lost a lot of sleep & gotten fired from my job. But, today, (after waking up in the late afternoon), I awoke to the sun shining through my window. I walked downstairs and opened the balcony door and stepped outside. I reflected on how I could have so much passion a week ago and then let myself fall into another mini-depression. Could it be massive Conan withdrawals? Was it the fact that by writing this blog I have been stirring up unpleasant memories? Or is it something as simple as the weather? Either way, I have to make myself do the right thing, whether I'm depressed or not.

The Hills

2010-02-04T15:01:00.000-08:00

I have up days and down days. When I started this blog I had 2 up days in a row, now there are 2 down days, including today. I feel like giving up and just forgetting this whole thing now, what's the point?

--Harms

Some bumps....

2010-02-03T19:09:00.000-08:00

I slept in today and didn't make it to work. Kind of lazy of me, especially since I haven't called them yet to tell them why I'm not there. Pretty much because I hate my job, my life, everything. I am supposed to be improving myself, but I don't have enough pushing me towards my goal motivating me. Before, in the Army, I just wanted to serve my country and make my parents proud. I fought for my kids because I love them. But, now what am I doing all this for? For me? Who cares? I'm nobody, and whether I stay the same or become as hot as Paris Hilton and as smart as Albert Einstein and as funny as Conan O'Brien.....I will still be a loser.

By the way, I've been banned from "I'm with Coco"s Facebook page, so now I feel even more alone. What has this world come to? Conan inspired me, but that may not be enough to get me the whole way. I am giving up.......sigh......I'll be back later guys....

--Harms

Dear Coco....

2010-02-03T03:41:00.000-08:00

You'd better be telling the truth. It is taking alot of personal strength to continue to do things out of my comfort zone, such as talking about past hurts and being more active. "Work Hard, Be Kind, Work Hard, Be Kind".....my new motto better work....because, so far, I don't feel any better....

--Harmony

2010-02-03T02:33:00.000-08:00

This posting has taken me two days to write I knew that this was going to be hard....so very hard.....which is exactly why I have been putting off speaking about this for so long. But, I need to talk about this guys, ok? So here goes.

In my first post, I talk about losing several people in my life, each in a different way. As you can probably guess, my grandparents died from natural causes. And, from my 2nd posting, you know how I lost my brother. Now, you ask, how did I lose my children? It's a very, very long story. But, if you are still here, then just keep reading, because just as leaving the "Tonight Show" was the hardest thing Conan has ever had to do, the 4-year long battle over custody of my kids just ripped my heart out, and I doubt I will ever recover.

I left the military in July of 2004. It was a rough transition as I searched for a new job, a new home and a new life than I had been used to. I acquired 3 new jobs and began paying for a nice mobile home I would someday own. Everything seemed to be going good, but by burying myself in my job, I was ignoring the fact that I was still relatively lonely with no social life.

Then, one day in the spring of 2005, a man came into the gas station to where I worked. I was about to close, but he convinced me to make him some food first. He then began frequenting the place on a daily basis. We exchanged numbers and he began calling me between my commutes. He himself had to travel over an hour to my town to install plumbing in newly built homes, so, (as a friend), one day I offered for him to crash on my couch. Every guy had always treated me like his little sister, and I found this relationship to be no different.

(on the right)

His name was Jeremy, and eventually, within 2 months, I had quit all 3 of my jobs to help him install plumbing. I cooked for him, did his laundry, even helped with his paperwork. Even though he would spend most of the week at my place, I still thought of him as only a friend. One night, he was watching a movie on TV, (I was reading a book), while we both sat on the couch. Suddenly, he leaned in to kiss me and I pulled away. He asked why I did that, and I said that I didn't really know how to kiss someone. He said he would like to teach me, but I told him I would just disappoint him. Then, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the bedroom. No need to explain what happened next.

The next day, he was quiet and said he would rather work alone. I left to do some food shopping later and came back to find he had packed his things and left. I was so confused. Was he coming back? Had I done something wrong?
For 3 weeks I waited for some sort of contact from him, but he ignored my calls and emails. I didn't even know where this man lived! I felt like such a sinner!! I laid around the house eating, watching TV and crying.
Eventually, I figured out I was pregnant. I waited 5 days past my period. Nothing. I took an over--the-counter test. Positive. I went to the doctor. Positive.
How was I going to tell him?

I eventually drove down to his church with a duffle bag full of his things. I tried to find him, but instead, the pastor found me. This was Jeremy's boss! He built the homes that Jeremy installed the plumbing in! Jeremy had 2 kids! He was recently divorced! But, after he came in to talk to me and the pastor, his attitude was that of contempt. He sneered his nose at me, first calling me a liar, then saying I had done this thing on purpose in order to "win him back" because I was "emotionally attached". He said because I was a virgin when we met, that now I had become obsessed with him.

I left the church that day confused, hurt and heart broken. Eventually, my parents and my church found out. Everyone wanted me to give up the baby. I was the only one in the world who wanted to keep it.

I made plans to leave the state and in August of 2005 I flew to Hawaii. I was 3 months pregnant.

My 1st night there I stayed in a YMCA. I left the next day to look for a job and a place to live, but I took the wrong bus and fell asleep. When I woke up, my bag was empty. No wallet, no money, nothing. I had paid for 2 nights at the Y, but what was I going to do for the next night? I called a social worker and she found me a homeless shelter. I was only there a few weeks before they found some affordable housing for me. Then, I acquired a job in an office doing data entry. By Christmas I was also working weekends at a movie theater.

I was determined to make sure that I could spend the first 3 months of my baby's life beside her at any moment. However, I didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl. I had a few donations in the form of blankets, diapers and clothes. Even though I was scared, I felt prepared. My love was all I needed.

She was due on March 1st, 2006. However, at 10:00pm on February 27th I went into labor. 29 hours later my daughter was born by C-section. I hadn't even thought of a name for her yet, but the only thing I could think of was: "Here is my Angel".

Angel Alexis Victoria Lauritzen and I spent 10 happy months together. Then, in January 2007, on a trip to the beach, we both got very ill. So ill in fact that we had to be rushed to the emergency room 3 times in 8 days. When we finally began to recover I noticed Angel was limping a little. At her follow-up I brought it up to her pediatrician, but he said she seemed to be fine, and if I was still worried I could bring her back in a week.

I did, because she was still limping a week later as she tried to start walking. After an x-ray revealed a fracture, the doctors called the police and child protective services. Angel was removed from my care.

I was devastated. How could anyone accuse me of being this type of monster? I stopped working, I stopped eating. Again, I was alone in my apartment crying almost 2 years later in the exact same way as when Jeremy left me. I ended up becoming homeless during this time period. It was the very lowest time in my entire life.

I ended up at a shelter for U.S. Veterans. There, I met a guy named "Scott". He seemed to understand what I was going through and he let me talk to him about it. The shelter was out in the wilderness of Hawaii, and we often took long walks out there. One night, while gazing at the stars, he made the same move Jeremy did. Again, I did not feel the same way, but I went through with it.

After staying at the shelter awhile I decided to move back into town and set myself up again. I began working and looking for a place to live. I even enrolled in school again. I began counseling services and parenting classes required to get my Angel back. Then, again, I found out I was pregnant.

This caused me to reflect. It seemed that the State of Hawaii was against me getting my daughter back. The foster family she was with had already hired an attorney to represent them in court to ask to adopt her. And here I was, pregnant and alone again. I could try to provide a stable life for both of my children, I could concentrate on one of them, (by leaving the state while pregnant or giving up my new baby), or I could just give up all together. (Abortion was NOT an option). I prayed about it and decided that only their mother could give them the type of love that they needed.

It is hard to find an apartment as a single mother in an expensive city. When Benjamin was born in April of 2007, I was still living in a shelter, but I was trying my hardest to leave as soon as possible. CPS said that I could take him home, but that they would be watching me.

Two months later, they removed him from my care as well. They said they had given me ample time to complete my services an find alternative housing and they were worried that the same thing that happened to Angel would happen to him. My second child was also gone.
For the past 4 years I have fought the courts in the State of Hawaii to get custody of my children. Their fathers could care less. I have spent every penny I have. My mental, spiritual and physical health have been affected. Finally, in October, I knew that I would never win. I could drag it out in the courts for years, but I would be beaten every time. I, as a mother, said goodbye to my children for the last time on October 15th, 2009.

There is no reason they should have been removed from my care. There was no reason they should not have been returned. This section of the government is continually abusing the rights of innocent citizens over and over on a daily basis.

A lot of people ask me why I moved to Lincoln City, Oregon. I'm not really sure, I needed a "landing place" until I decide what to do. I almost killed myself last year. Hopefully, this place will help me to heal a little.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of Angel & Benjamin. They will probably forget me soon. My heart hurts and my eyes are weeping as I write this. Heartache really does cause physical pain in your chest you know, a hard knot that will never go away. I told my mom once that I may marry again, I may have more children one day...but my heart can never be full again. There will always be a piece of it missing. Or, two pieces.

Goodbye Angel. Goodbye Benjamin. Mommy loves you.

--Harmony

3 days.....

2010-02-02T14:25:00.000-08:00

I have decided in 3 days to go on a diet. It will be a low-carb, no-sugar type deal, along with various supplements, (a flush, vitamins and a fat burner), as well as being more active. I have decided to stick to this diet for at least 2 months. It's gonna be tough on my own, especially since I'm used to pizza, pasta & cereal. But, hopefully, old Conan reruns will get me through the first part. After March 1st though, I'll have to switch to Letterman, and I'm not sure he's as sustainable to someone my age....

--Harms

Daily Routine (RUT)

2010-02-01T14:02:00.000-08:00

I have more to write about later today, (such as why I was up late last night), but for now, I will share with you the current situation I am in at the moment.

I move from Hawaii to Oregon, (again, another story), on October 17th, 2009. People ask me "why" constantly, thinking that Hawaii is such a good place to live. Basically, I have never been so prejudiced in all my life by those people. But, let's move on for now.

So, I get to this 3-bedroom house that I had sent money in for from Hawaii, and I move into a bedroom. Within 2 weeks, the landlady says: "Oh shucks, I accidentally signed 4 leases for this 3 bedroom house, you're gonna hafta give up your room..." WTF?? So, I have basically paid $800 a month for the past 2 months TO SLEEP ON A COUCH!! (Isn't this illegal??)

So, Lincoln City is a very, let's call it, "touristy" type of place. A lot of people in the summer, DEAD in the winter. So, I didn't exactly pick the perfect time to come here. But, I walked around looking for a job for my first 4 days and got one on my 5th. It was at a "Coldwater Creek", (clothing store), in their little outlet mall. (I don't know why they hired me, I don't know the first thing about retail. Plus, they don't like any of my ideas...(of course, I am 20 years younger than any of them...). So, retail, yeah, not my dream job. But, mama's gotta make da rent....

Then, one of the roommates, a doctor, moves out to finish his residency elsewhere. But, I don't exactly move into his room. Rather, I throw all of my stuff in there on the floor and fly home to Ohio 2 days later, (see previous post). I have been back in Oregon for about a week and a half now, and I still haven't unpacked...a little because I'm afriad I will have to move out again, but mostly because I have been working alot at my new place of employment, "Surftides". It's a hotel in Lincoln City, and I got the job after applying in December, when CWC cut my hours.

I have to walk 2 miles to work twice a day. Again, I don't know why they hired me, I have no hotel experience. And, again, it's a job that I'm good at...but I hate.

What do I love to do? I love to write!! I love to write books, screenplays, music, anything! But, I'm not going to make any money right now doing that. So, what do I do? I look for a job flipping burgers or folding sweaters. Basically, a job that a monkey could do...or a job that I know I can get...

Why don't I try harder? Maybe because I can't face another failure or denial. Peter always told our parents that he still believed in the teachings of our church, he just wasn't strong enough to resist those temptations. I kind of have the same confidence problem. I write and write so much stuff...but none of it will ever be looked upon by another human being, c'mon. This is just silly little movie scripts, comic books, and mystery novels that I play around with to amuse myself. Nobody gets my personality or brand of humor. Thus, I could never hope to one day write for a show like Conan O'Brien. People get him, (well, most people do anyways). But, I just don't have the one more gene that I need to make people understand what I am trying to do or say and enjoy it. Basically, it's only funny to myself.

So, that's why all of my writings, (besides this blog of course), will only ever be seen by me. I even threw out complete journals and books I had written when I had to pack up and move from Hawaii. It's a hobby, it's not a career...yet...maybe never. I have heard of people who had a hobby, (like playing the guitar), only to quit their job of 20 years and start a rock band or something. Only problem is, when that hobby becomes work, it's becomes no fun anymore. I don't want that to happen to the only thing in my life that has ever brought me joy.

So, we know that I'm good at something, but am not going to seek it as a career. We know that I'm good at something else for minimum wage, but hate both jobs so much I may end up strangling the next person who gives me shit, (boss or customer). So, what job could pay me more and give me some sense of accomplishment & could let me know that I'm not just some mindless drone?

Well, in the military, I used to install communication lines. I saw in the paper recently where they are hiring phone and cable installers. I have the experience and education, I think maybe should go for it. I must get a license though. So, probably tomorrow or Wednesday I will go down to the DMV and attempt this as step #1. In the meantime, I will update my resume, pick out a good outfit & practice my interviewing skills. I'll even do some research on the company & practice smiling. That should clinch it.

It is raining today, as it has pretty much everyday that I have been here. The dreary weather seems to reflect my soul most days, with no hope of light coming in. I need more sleep, I need more people to talk to....I need a reason to live.....why am I alive right now?.....why am I still here?......there is no purpose or sense of being for me......I could vanish from the planet and the world would still rotate, people would not even blink as they go on with their own lives....Was I meant for something great?......because I may not be, but anything is better than this.....

--Harms

2010-02-01T07:01:00.000-08:00

I have been up all night. It's now 7:00am on Monday. Why can I never rest? Even when I'm sleeping, I awaken to the covers kicked about or a stiff neck from all the tension I hold in. Sometimes I get a headache from grinding my teeth all night. My mom calls it "big eye" when this happens, but I just can't seem to stop these racing thoughts sometimes. I always try to do a word puzzle when I get into bed to slow down my thinking, which is always going non-stop. Then, I turn out the light and let my imagination drift me away into a peaceful slumber. It can be whatever my mind can think up. I can be Indiana Jones' mistress or the first woman to walk on the moon. But, sometimes, halfway through my drowsy adventures, things that have been on my mind, (things that my subconscious is supposed to work out for me overnight while I saw logs), creep in. Ignoring them won't make them go away. So, sometimes I try and work these problems into my little day-dreaming fantasies that occur pre-snooze. Every now and then, of course, they require more attention, (or don't fit into whatever storyline I have cooked up for that evening's final entertainment). So, what do I do? I get up, come downstairs, and log onto my computer. I don't think about it anymore, because, frankly, that's what my subconscious is for. No, I am basically sitting here because I'm a coward. A tired coward, but a sissy coward nonetheless. No, I won't tell you why I came down here 45 minutes ago. Maybe in a couple of months I can better deal with the thoughts that brought me down here tonight, thus making me no longer an insomniac. But, maybe in 2 months, I won't have the problems that drug me down here in the first place. Maybe my mind will be clear and easy. (If anyone is still reading this, please explain it better to me when I wake up later today)........yawn.......--Harms

Where should I begin?

2010-01-31T20:23:00.000-08:00

Yes, I need to focus on some of my goals listed at the top of the page. But, at the same time that I am trying to improve myself, I must also remember the destructive habits that got me to where I am today, and heal from past pains that I haven't attempted to confront yet. One of the more recent tragedies that has happened to me lately is the sudden loss of my older
brother over the holidays. I was born late in 1981, but Peter was born early in 1979. He was the first of us 4 kids to be born, and this was after 2 miscarriages by my mother. He was their "miracle baby". For the most part of my life, I felt like Peter may have not liked having an annoying little sister around. But, we did have our special moments. We played duets together on the piano. He taught me how to ride a bike and took out my first tooth. He taught me about high school and how to drive. He was also the first person I told when I was pregnant. I told him because I was one of the first people he he came out to when he realized he was gay.

My parents, (God bless them), are not as open minded as my generation. Peter came out to me when he was 12. Jordan, (my 1st younger brother), got married and didn't tell mom & dad for a whole year because he didn't marry in our church. Erik, (my youngest brother), drinks occasionally and gave me several "anti-mormon" publications to read when I went home recently. I was pregnant and they didn't know until I was 5 months along.

Basically, mom & dad feel like, once the kids are out of the house, they've done their part. If you screw up after that, it's not their fault because they tried their best to raise you right. But, by us leaving the house, all it did was set us loose. When I joined the military in 2001, I had: --never kissed a boy --never swore --never smoked --never drank alcohol, coffee or coke/mt dew --never seen a rated R movie --never seen MTV (...you get the picture) I have still never drank or smoked, (I've kissed a boy, lol), but my point is, I did it because I was curious, and the constant message I got in my upbringing was, "If you do this, you're going to hell", but I did it anyway. I've also drank coffee, (and I liked it), but I don't feel the flames yet.

I know that I'm a good person, and to me, that's all that should matter to God. I still help others, I still am civil to those that betray me. I know I'm a good person.

Peter was a good person. I learned to play the piano by theory, (read books, took lessons), but Peter learned by sitting down and letting the music speak to him. When you listened to him touch those keys, you could feel the emotion, the passion, as if the music had it's own language and was trying to tell you something.

He didn't have that many friends in school. Church was the same way. All he had was his family in Ohio and out west, (where my dad came from). The older he got, the more he withdrew because of his secret. When he was older, the time came for him to serve a mission for our church, as all 19-year-old young men are asked to do. But, he was still struggling with that decision because of the way he still felt inside. That's when he has his accident. It almost killed him. He felt that God had spared his life. He was determined to pay Him back.

Two years later, living in Columbus, Ohio, he was right back to where he was, struggling with the feelings he was trying to deny. Finally, somehow my parents found out. They reprimanded him, took back some of his church things, and told him his eternal soul was in jeopardy.

He left Ohio for Florida. For the next 5-6 years he slept around, went to clubs, and tried many different types of drugs. My heart went out to him as one by one, his siblings felt his pain through the way our parents treated us as well. But, in his destructive downward spiral, he lashed out at us as well.

Then things went from bad to worse. He found out he had HIV & Hepatitis C, (whether from the drugs or unprotected sex, we don't know). This caused him to destroy himself even further, even getting arrested a few times. He wouldn't take my emails. He stole from his friends. At one point in early December, he called home to ask if he could come home to my parent's house for a Christmas visit. (My mother, about to have surgery, didn't want to risk an infection). He started losing weight, going into the ER every weekend.

Finally, on December 21, 2009, someone found him on a sidewalk. He had overdosed on heroin, crystal meth & cocaine. The EMT's got to him, and he was still alive. They said his heart was fighting so strong. But, he just didn't make it. My older brother...was gone.

I flew home a couple of weeks ago to pay my final respects. I was the first to speak at the memorial. I had written a 10-page talk, but as soon as I got up to the podium I put it away. I just had a sudden rush of memories. I told the crowd about my brother growing up, and how that's how I'll always remember him. Then, I said that I had promised myself last year to fix our fractured relationship in 2010. But, he didn't make it to 2010. Many people in the crowd came up to me afterwards saying that they weren't going to wait any longer to heal troubled relationships in their own lives. I'm glad I inspired them, but this doesn't help me to heal. This doesn't make everything alright with me and Peter. With me and my parents. With me and God.

I cried during my speech. I was going on and on about how I remembered him, and I just started crying. I mumbled "I miss my brother...", and then I sat down. I haven't wept at his passing yet. Maybe it's because we all kind of knew that this was going to happen for a long time, so it's not as much of a shock to us, (although, it still was, the way it happened). But, mostly, it's because I have shut myself off to any pain that befalls me in order to not deal with it. If anybody asks, I make a joke or change the subject. I have the sort of personality that I can tell if I open up to somebody that it won't help me, just cause me more pain. Talking to very few people in my life has made me feel better about any given situation. Mostly, I just have to work through it somehow on my own.

I don't know if I'm ready to heal yet from this thing with my brother. Now, I have to do all the work. But, am I just making it seem hard? Could it really be easier than I am making it?

I don't know. All I know is, my brother is gone, and it hurts. And, if I can find a way to mourn, grieve, and then heal from this.....then I may be on the right track.

--Harms

BLOG #1......Who am I?

2010-01-31T16:34:00.000-08:00

My name is Harmony Rebekah Lauritzen. I was born on November 29th, 1981 in Mansfield, Ohio. I had 3 brothers growing up. I always had 2 parents and we never moved from our house in the country. I grew up in the LDS, (Mormon), church. I graduated High School in June of 2000. 7 months later, in January of 2001, when I was 19, I joined the U.S. Army. I was stationed in Hawaii for 3 1/2 years. After that, it gets a little tricky...
A lot of things have happened between July 2004, when I left the military, and today, January 2010. I have lost all of my remaining grandparents. I have lost my older brother. I have lost 2 children. All of these happened in a different way. I have also lost contact with my remaining family, lost my spirituality and my faith in humanity. I have been abused, lied to, stabbed in the back and otherwise beaten down until I feel nothing anymore.
The purpose of this blog is to get me to a place again where I feel something. I feel nothing right now, I don't even feel sadness or heartache. I know that I need to in order to forgive others and move on with my life. I know that I need to feel pain in order to feel healing. But, I'm not ready to yet.
I'm not a psychologist, I only know that sometimes people need to do this alone. This journey will take many parts. I am overweight. I hate my job. I don't go to church. I stay inside and play video games all day. There are going to be some major life changes happening here.
You may ask yourself "What has inspired this girl?" Well people, it was Conan O'Brien. I have been watching his show since I was in middle school. What he did last Friday, by walking away from his dream because he believed in something, that inspired me. The way his freinds, family and fans have reacted has inspired me. But most of all, it was his speech:

And finally, I have to say something to our fans. The massive outpouring of support and passion from so many people has been overwhelming. The rallies, the signs, all the goofy, outrageous creativity on the internet, and the fact that people have traveled long distances and camped out all night in the pouring rain to be in our audience, made a sad situation joyous and inspirational.

To all the people watching, I can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I'll think about it for the rest of my life. All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. --Conan O'Brien 1-22-10

I will live by these words. These words will inspire me as to what I need to do in my life to...to let me LIVE again!!

Wish me luck. There are going to be days where I'm super pumped-up, and then there are going to be down days. Those are the days that I will need you. But I promise you this, no matter how "down" I get, I will still log in here everyday to see you posts, and to try and re-inspire myself through this great man. Thankyou COCO!!

--Harms
1-31-10