Why?

I don't even know why I write this stupid blog......it doesn't help heal the hurt or pain inside......my daily life isn't any better off since starting it......nobody reads it......if I waste away to nothing, I have accomplished nothing in my life and left behind no legacy, so who cares?

frustration...

One day turns into the next......I wake up at 4:00pm.......if I take pills to sleep, they won't help me GET to sleep for 36 hours, and once I DO sleep, I'll sleep for 14 hours........if I don't take pills to sleep, I'll stay awake even longer.......I spend my day on Facebook, my blog, (writing dozens of drafts that never make it here), and on job-hunting websites......everyday I fill out at least 10 applications or send in resumes........sometimes I go out to the mailbox and search it's empty contents while sending out more resumes that won't get answered.......I get all excited, thinking of the jobs I could get, that would pay well and make me feel useful with my skills and knowledge........then I get really, really depressed when nothing happens, even after job interviews, thankyou letters and followup phone calls......

It became really bad this past week.

I felt like cutting again.

I haven't cut myself since the military, and about 6 months after I left the military. The last time was in 2005. I still have the scars. Once I had kids, I promised myself never to harm myself again.

But, I have no children anymore. I have no happiness. I have no reason to live.

I don't even know where the thought came from, I just must really be at the very, very bottom.

Maybe Conan was wrong......

Elpis weird sleeping position...

News and Plans....

I went to the ER last night. After discovering that I have no insurance, they had a doctor talk to me for 5 minutes then sent me on my way. The right side of my body, including my chest, neck and ear, are VERY sore and tender, but I didn't even get a stethoscope put on me, a tongue depressor shoved in my mouth or one of those light-magnifier thingies put in my ear. Nope, no blood drawn, no urine collected, and I missed the bus and had no choice but to walk 2 miles home in the dark. This just makes me resent rich people even more.....

Sorry & Sore

I apologize for my last post. Whenever a woman has a man in her life, be it brother, lover, roommate or best friend, she cares for them, whether they reciprocate the love or not.

I was just frustrated at Brian for me cleaning up after him, doing dishes, helping him find a job and cooking for him/buying him food without him ever acknowledging or saying thankyou.

Part #2, the upper right part of my sternum feels swollen and tender. Looking it up, I've found that it could be an infection in my lymph nodes. I have no medical insurance, but I will call a doctor tomorrow and see if it's anything serious.

Of course, I will keep the 6 people who may or may not read this updated.

--Harms

Brian

My roommate needs to start buying his own fucking food

interviews.....

So, I went to interview today for a job as a security guard at the local casino, and I think it went ok. But, I'm still depressed about having to go back to work.

I hate money. It used to be we could trade good or services and barter to get what we want. And I hate the rich stupid snobby socialites of Hollywood, (Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson), who spend more on a purse than I make in a year then set a bad example for young girls. They don't have to worry about where their next meal come from, and if they did they'd probably throw it up.

And I hate feeling this way inside. I feel so hollow, so empty, so void, so barren. I still haven't wept yet for losing my children. I still haven't mourned yet at the loss of my brother. I still have trouble eating, sleeping and getting out of bed in the morning.

I still don't care if I live or die.....

So why go back to work?

Elpis

I got a kitty last week. I named her "Elpis". In another blog I will explain what that name means.

I also have 2 job interviews this week, but like I said, I wish I didn't have to work right now. However, my landlord came over and had an emotional breakdown last week about the rent I owe. She put me on a guilt trip about how much she's done for me. *sigh*

Wish me luck with the interviews. I don't even know if anyone ever reads this.

Working Hard!!

OK, so I have been really working hard this week. By discipline, (and Tylenol PM), I have gotten into a regular sleeping schedule. I have arisen out of bed at a decent hour and eaten a round meal. Then off I go to "Worksource", a place near the library that helps people find jobs. Everyday I have gone there. I have sent out cover letters, resumes and applications through faxes, emails and regular mail. I have made phone calls and searched through job listings on Craig's List, Monster, Careerbuilder, Indeed & many, many others. I have applied for minimum wage jobs to $100,000 a year jobs. I am taking a Census test this Saturday at the library.

I really, really don't feel like working right now, but I am forcing myself to. I really don't feel like getting out of bed, walking around, talking to people, but I am. I'm glad I am trying to be motivated, but it's more like I am forcing myself to be dragged around and tortured by life.

Still, I'm a grownup, and I must be responsible. No more being depressed and lying around the house. I promised myself I would never be homeless again.

*SIGH*

This is so hard.....

--Harms

Work hard...

I have not been following my new motto. Tomorrow I am spending all day looking for a career. Not 5 minimum wage jobs that pay low, give me 7 hours a week and anything that a trained monkey could do.

I am going to apply as a police officer. I am going to apply as an electrician. As a cable/phone/computer installer. I AM GOING TO TRY UNTIL I FIND SOMETHING.

I am not going to be on foodstamps, welfare or unemployment. And, most of all, I am NOT GOING TO BE HOMELESS EVER AGAIN.

Here goes....

I was depressed. I laid in bed for 3 weeks. I didn't leave the house, I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat. I cried. I beat myself up about it, but I still just lay there day after day, waiting to be evicted, yelled at, or just decay into nothingness. But, something came over me. Yes, there is noone to talk to. Yes, I recently moved across the country and don't know anyone here and have no base of support. Yes, if I continue to do nothing I will probably be on the street and become a loser who wastes away her life.

But I can do it.

I can pull myself out of this funky foggy hole that I am in.

I can look for a good-paying, skilled job.

I can go to school again.

I can go to church again.

I can go out and meet people.

I can eat right, sleep right and exercise.

I can think happy thoughts.

I can get over losing my brother.

I can get over losing my kids.

I can start ot write and do the things that I love and brought me joy before.

I can do it!!

Now let's go!

--Harms