Struggles & Overcoming....

I have been doing good, but along with going to job interviews, starting school this week & continuing my diet and exercise program I am also struggling to keep pushing myself forward when my mind tells me to just lay around the house and mope again. I'm not going to write down everytime it happens, but it does happen.....ALOT. Anyway, I have tomorrow off and I'm going to be finishing up some shots since my first video was a success. I have 3 videos due! Everyone on FB loved them and it has almost 250 hits on YouTube, which inspires me to just keep working harder. Next paycheck I'm buying new shoes and getting a haircut!

One thing though. I don't know if I will be ready in time for July's PT test. But, it's still good to work towards the original goal in order to not quit, I mean, who knows? Maybe, by some sheer luck, I'll be in enough shape to pass it!!

Thanks guys for the comments, I'm hanging in there, hope you are too!

Bzzzzzzzzzz

Busy, busy busy.............this week I worked at Eddie Bauer, signed up for school next week, ate right, exercised and worked on a book I'm writing.........sorry no updates yet in stats, first.....a nap!

--Harmony

YAY!!

Feeling FANTASTIC today! Went to work from 8-12, then someone from work said they had seen my video on FB and wanted to know if I needed any help, so doing some final shots with her this evening before I post videos #3 and #4 tomorrow.....aren't you all just SO EXCITED??

--Harms

Ugh....

Woke up at 3:00am with a toothache, but decided to still continue my routine through the pain. However, as I was getting dressed and eating breakfast, I threw up 3x. Good thing I had the day off. Maybe tomorrow will be better...

--Harms

P.S. Stay tuned for the next 2 vids this weekend!

Wet Day....

But no rain is going to deter me! (Although, the fat burner made me quite nauseous today..........)

Thankyou Coco...

Just so you guys know, ever since I decided to REALLY put Conan's words to the test and try to better my life, I have started losing weight, been happier, met more people.....and I got a job! I'm even registering to go back to school! And now I work part-time at "Eddie Bauer"!

THANKYOU CONAN O'BRIEN!!!

--Harmony

My first week working out...

My first week was sooooooo difficult.....I was sore every night and, (as you can plainly see), my exercise routine kinda sucked. Yes, I'm fat. Yes I'm out of shape. Feel free to laugh at my antics, but at least I'm trying....right now I'm in my 3rd week and things are going alot better, stay tuned for the next video.....and PLEASE COMMENT!!!

--Harms

My Life--Part One

The first video in my series of obtaining my weight loss and career goals....sorry it took so long to make....stay tuned!

--Harms

Diet (& Exercise) Week 2--(4-24-10)

My Numbers:

Stomach 44 1/2"
Hips 49 3/8"
Upper Arm 17 7/8"
Forearm 12 3/8"
Wrist 6 7/8"
Neck 14 5/8"
Thigh 28 1/4"

Weight 224

BMI = 37.3

My Test Scores:

2-Minute Push-ups......37.....(84%)(pass)

2-Minute Sit-ups........23......(36%)(fail)
2-Mile Run............19:53.....(65%)(pass)

Diet (& Exercise) Week 1--(4-17-10)

Here is the website where I learned about the testing coming up in July:

http://egov.oregon.gov/OSP/RECRUIT/trooper_testing.shtml

And here are the PT testing requirements:

http://usmilitary.about.com/od/army/l/blfitfem27to31.htm

And here are my numbers:

Stomach 47 1/2 "
Hips 50 3/8 "
Upper Arm 19 1/4"
Forearm 13 1/2 "
Wrist 7 1/2 "
Neck 15 1/4"
Thigh 31 1/8"

Weight 233

BMI = 40

Test: (You need a 60% to pass)

2-Minute Push-ups......21.....(61%)(pass)

2-Minute Sit-ups.........7......(21%)(fail)
2-Mile Run........21:30......(51%)(fail)

That's it....

OK guys....those who are still here....

In the past 2 1/2 months I have been up and down and up and down with my emotions and my motivation for turning my life around.

I tried to tackle too many things at once, sharing the stories about my kids, my brother and my daily pathetic life here.

I haven't worked in over 9 weeks, and have just laid around the house and gotten fatter and lazier and more depressed.

Things are going to just keep cycling through day after day for years on end unless I do something about it.

I am not seeing a psychologist for my depression, I am not on anti-depressants, I have no family supporting me and no friends to talk to.

I know that I can't just "get over it".....but I need to at least make the first steps towards recovery instead of just wallowing in my misery.

My parents have upset me about a few things lately......but I am just going to focus on me for awhile.

A couple of weeks ago I saw a website saying that the next testing for the Oregon State Police, (Highway Patrol), was coming up in July.

It is a 2-day test, with half of the applicants dropping out after the first day because of the Physical Fitness test.....the same test that I had to take for every month that I was in the military.

I can do this guys....maybe that's what I am supposed to do with my life. I want to help others, and I want my life to have meaning....

I am sorry that I have been leaving angry and depressing posts on here. Especially if some of you guys started following me to give me support, or wanted me to support you. I don't know who all reads this, but I just read through every comment and would like to say thankyou from the bottom of my heart for giving me something that my mother never has....hope. Faith. Believing in someone.

Thankyou.

Now let's do this thing!

--Harmony

P.S. I will be posting on a daily business....and posting videos weekly.

My parents killed my brother.....

.........and now they're killing me...............

Why?

I don't even know why I write this stupid blog......it doesn't help heal the hurt or pain inside......my daily life isn't any better off since starting it......nobody reads it......if I waste away to nothing, I have accomplished nothing in my life and left behind no legacy, so who cares?

frustration...

One day turns into the next......I wake up at 4:00pm.......if I take pills to sleep, they won't help me GET to sleep for 36 hours, and once I DO sleep, I'll sleep for 14 hours........if I don't take pills to sleep, I'll stay awake even longer.......I spend my day on Facebook, my blog, (writing dozens of drafts that never make it here), and on job-hunting websites......everyday I fill out at least 10 applications or send in resumes........sometimes I go out to the mailbox and search it's empty contents while sending out more resumes that won't get answered.......I get all excited, thinking of the jobs I could get, that would pay well and make me feel useful with my skills and knowledge........then I get really, really depressed when nothing happens, even after job interviews, thankyou letters and followup phone calls......

It became really bad this past week.

I felt like cutting again.

I haven't cut myself since the military, and about 6 months after I left the military. The last time was in 2005. I still have the scars. Once I had kids, I promised myself never to harm myself again.

But, I have no children anymore. I have no happiness. I have no reason to live.

I don't even know where the thought came from, I just must really be at the very, very bottom.

Maybe Conan was wrong......

Elpis weird sleeping position...

News and Plans....

I went to the ER last night. After discovering that I have no insurance, they had a doctor talk to me for 5 minutes then sent me on my way. The right side of my body, including my chest, neck and ear, are VERY sore and tender, but I didn't even get a stethoscope put on me, a tongue depressor shoved in my mouth or one of those light-magnifier thingies put in my ear. Nope, no blood drawn, no urine collected, and I missed the bus and had no choice but to walk 2 miles home in the dark. This just makes me resent rich people even more.....

Sorry & Sore

I apologize for my last post. Whenever a woman has a man in her life, be it brother, lover, roommate or best friend, she cares for them, whether they reciprocate the love or not.

I was just frustrated at Brian for me cleaning up after him, doing dishes, helping him find a job and cooking for him/buying him food without him ever acknowledging or saying thankyou.

Part #2, the upper right part of my sternum feels swollen and tender. Looking it up, I've found that it could be an infection in my lymph nodes. I have no medical insurance, but I will call a doctor tomorrow and see if it's anything serious.

Of course, I will keep the 6 people who may or may not read this updated.

--Harms

Brian

My roommate needs to start buying his own fucking food

interviews.....

So, I went to interview today for a job as a security guard at the local casino, and I think it went ok. But, I'm still depressed about having to go back to work.

I hate money. It used to be we could trade good or services and barter to get what we want. And I hate the rich stupid snobby socialites of Hollywood, (Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson), who spend more on a purse than I make in a year then set a bad example for young girls. They don't have to worry about where their next meal come from, and if they did they'd probably throw it up.

And I hate feeling this way inside. I feel so hollow, so empty, so void, so barren. I still haven't wept yet for losing my children. I still haven't mourned yet at the loss of my brother. I still have trouble eating, sleeping and getting out of bed in the morning.

I still don't care if I live or die.....

So why go back to work?

Elpis

I got a kitty last week. I named her "Elpis". In another blog I will explain what that name means.

I also have 2 job interviews this week, but like I said, I wish I didn't have to work right now. However, my landlord came over and had an emotional breakdown last week about the rent I owe. She put me on a guilt trip about how much she's done for me. *sigh*

Wish me luck with the interviews. I don't even know if anyone ever reads this.