One day turns into the next......I wake up at 4:00pm.......if I take pills to sleep, they won't help me GET to sleep for 36 hours, and once I DO sleep, I'll sleep for 14 hours........if I don't take pills to sleep, I'll stay awake even longer.......I spend my day on Facebook, my blog, (writing dozens of drafts that never make it here), and on job-hunting websites......everyday I fill out at least 10 applications or send in resumes........sometimes I go out to the mailbox and search it's empty contents while sending out more resumes that won't get answered.......I get all excited, thinking of the jobs I could get, that would pay well and make me feel useful with my skills and knowledge........then I get really, really depressed when nothing happens, even after job interviews, thankyou letters and followup phone calls......
It became really bad this past week.
I felt like cutting again.
I haven't cut myself since the military, and about 6 months after I left the military. The last time was in 2005. I still have the scars. Once I had kids, I promised myself never to harm myself again.
But, I have no children anymore. I have no happiness. I have no reason to live.
I don't even know where the thought came from, I just must really be at the very, very bottom.
Maybe Conan was wrong......
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so if you are at the very bottom you only have up to go from here. Hang in there. People you don't even know love you.
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