This posting has taken me two days to write I knew that this was going to be hard....so very hard.....which is exactly why I have been putting off speaking about this for so long. But, I need to talk about this guys, ok? So here goes.
In my first post, I talk about losing several people in my life, each in a different way. As you can probably guess, my grandparents died from natural causes. And, from my 2nd posting, you know how I lost my brother. Now, you ask, how did I lose my children? It's a very, very long story. But, if you are still here, then just keep reading, because just as leaving the "Tonight Show" was the hardest thing Conan has ever had to do, the 4-year long battle over custody of my kids just ripped my heart out, and I doubt I will ever recover.
I left the military in July of 2004. It was a rough transition as I searched for a new job, a new home and a new life than I had been used to. I acquired 3 new jobs and began paying for a nice mobile home I would someday own. Everything seemed to be going good, but by burying myself in my job, I was ignoring the fact that I was still relatively lonely with no social life.
Then, one day in the spring of 2005, a man came into the gas station to where I worked. I was about to close, but he convinced me to make him some food first. He then began frequenting the place on a daily basis. We exchanged numbers and he began calling me between my commutes. He himself had to travel over an hour to my town to install plumbing in newly built homes, so, (as a friend), one day I offered for him to crash on my couch. Every guy had always treated me like his little sister, and I found this relationship to be no different.
(on the right)
His name was Jeremy, and eventually, within 2 months, I had quit all 3 of my jobs to help him install plumbing. I cooked for him, did his laundry, even helped with his paperwork. Even though he would spend most of the week at my place, I still thought of him as only a friend. One night, he was watching a movie on TV, (I was reading a book), while we both sat on the couch. Suddenly, he leaned in to kiss me and I pulled away. He asked why I did that, and I said that I didn't really know how to kiss someone. He said he would like to teach me, but I told him I would just disappoint him. Then, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the bedroom. No need to explain what happened next.
The next day, he was quiet and said he would rather work alone. I left to do some food shopping later and came back to find he had packed his things and left. I was so confused. Was he coming back? Had I done something wrong?
For 3 weeks I waited for some sort of contact from him, but he ignored my calls and emails. I didn't even know where this man lived! I felt like such a sinner!! I laid around the house eating, watching TV and crying.
Eventually, I figured out I was pregnant. I waited 5 days past my period. Nothing. I took an over--the-counter test. Positive. I went to the doctor. Positive.
How was I going to tell him?
I eventually drove down to his church with a duffle bag full of his things. I tried to find him, but instead, the pastor found me. This was Jeremy's boss! He built the homes that Jeremy installed the plumbing in! Jeremy had 2 kids! He was recently divorced! But, after he came in to talk to me and the pastor, his attitude was that of contempt. He sneered his nose at me, first calling me a liar, then saying I had done this thing on purpose in order to "win him back" because I was "emotionally attached". He said because I was a virgin when we met, that now I had become obsessed with him.
I left the church that day confused, hurt and heart broken. Eventually, my parents and my church found out. Everyone wanted me to give up the baby. I was the only one in the world who wanted to keep it.
I made plans to leave the state and in August of 2005 I flew to Hawaii. I was 3 months pregnant.
My 1st night there I stayed in a YMCA. I left the next day to look for a job and a place to live, but I took the wrong bus and fell asleep. When I woke up, my bag was empty. No wallet, no money, nothing. I had paid for 2 nights at the Y, but what was I going to do for the next night? I called a social worker and she found me a homeless shelter. I was only there a few weeks before they found some affordable housing for me. Then, I acquired a job in an office doing data entry. By Christmas I was also working weekends at a movie theater.
I was determined to make sure that I could spend the first 3 months of my baby's life beside her at any moment. However, I didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl. I had a few donations in the form of blankets, diapers and clothes. Even though I was scared, I felt prepared. My love was all I needed.
She was due on March 1st, 2006. However, at 10:00pm on February 27th I went into labor. 29 hours later my daughter was born by C-section. I hadn't even thought of a name for her yet, but the only thing I could think of was: "Here is my Angel".
Angel Alexis Victoria Lauritzen and I spent 10 happy months together. Then, in January 2007, on a trip to the beach, we both got very ill. So ill in fact that we had to be rushed to the emergency room 3 times in 8 days. When we finally began to recover I noticed Angel was limping a little. At her follow-up I brought it up to her pediatrician, but he said she seemed to be fine, and if I was still worried I could bring her back in a week.
I did, because she was still limping a week later as she tried to start walking. After an x-ray revealed a fracture, the doctors called the police and child protective services. Angel was removed from my care.
I was devastated. How could anyone accuse me of being this type of monster? I stopped working, I stopped eating. Again, I was alone in my apartment crying almost 2 years later in the exact same way as when Jeremy left me. I ended up becoming homeless during this time period. It was the very lowest time in my entire life.
I ended up at a shelter for U.S. Veterans. There, I met a guy named "Scott". He seemed to understand what I was going through and he let me talk to him about it. The shelter was out in the wilderness of Hawaii, and we often took long walks out there. One night, while gazing at the stars, he made the same move Jeremy did. Again, I did not feel the same way, but I went through with it.
After staying at the shelter awhile I decided to move back into town and set myself up again. I began working and looking for a place to live. I even enrolled in school again. I began counseling services and parenting classes required to get my Angel back. Then, again, I found out I was pregnant.
This caused me to reflect. It seemed that the State of Hawaii was against me getting my daughter back. The foster family she was with had already hired an attorney to represent them in court to ask to adopt her. And here I was, pregnant and alone again. I could try to provide a stable life for both of my children, I could concentrate on one of them, (by leaving the state while pregnant or giving up my new baby), or I could just give up all together. (Abortion was NOT an option). I prayed about it and decided that only their mother could give them the type of love that they needed.
It is hard to find an apartment as a single mother in an expensive city. When Benjamin was born in April of 2007, I was still living in a shelter, but I was trying my hardest to leave as soon as possible. CPS said that I could take him home, but that they would be watching me.
Two months later, they removed him from my care as well. They said they had given me ample time to complete my services an find alternative housing and they were worried that the same thing that happened to Angel would happen to him. My second child was also gone.
For the past 4 years I have fought the courts in the State of Hawaii to get custody of my children. Their fathers could care less. I have spent every penny I have. My mental, spiritual and physical health have been affected. Finally, in October, I knew that I would never win. I could drag it out in the courts for years, but I would be beaten every time. I, as a mother, said goodbye to my children for the last time on October 15th, 2009.
There is no reason they should have been removed from my care. There was no reason they should not have been returned. This section of the government is continually abusing the rights of innocent citizens over and over on a daily basis.
A lot of people ask me why I moved to Lincoln City, Oregon. I'm not really sure, I needed a "landing place" until I decide what to do. I almost killed myself last year. Hopefully, this place will help me to heal a little.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of Angel & Benjamin. They will probably forget me soon. My heart hurts and my eyes are weeping as I write this. Heartache really does cause physical pain in your chest you know, a hard knot that will never go away. I told my mom once that I may marry again, I may have more children one day...but my heart can never be full again. There will always be a piece of it missing. Or, two pieces.
Goodbye Angel. Goodbye Benjamin. Mommy loves you.
--Harmony
