Daily Routine (RUT)

I have more to write about later today, (such as why I was up late last night), but for now, I will share with you the current situation I am in at the moment.

I move from Hawaii to Oregon, (again, another story), on October 17th, 2009. People ask me "why" constantly, thinking that Hawaii is such a good place to live. Basically, I have never been so prejudiced in all my life by those people. But, let's move on for now.

So, I get to this 3-bedroom house that I had sent money in for from Hawaii, and I move into a bedroom. Within 2 weeks, the landlady says: "Oh shucks, I accidentally signed 4 leases for this 3 bedroom house, you're gonna hafta give up your room..." WTF?? So, I have basically paid $800 a month for the past 2 months TO SLEEP ON A COUCH!! (Isn't this illegal??)

So, Lincoln City is a very, let's call it, "touristy" type of place. A lot of people in the summer, DEAD in the winter. So, I didn't exactly pick the perfect time to come here. But, I walked around looking for a job for my first 4 days and got one on my 5th. It was at a "Coldwater Creek", (clothing store), in their little outlet mall. (I don't know why they hired me, I don't know the first thing about retail. Plus, they don't like any of my ideas...(of course, I am 20 years younger than any of them...). So, retail, yeah, not my dream job. But, mama's gotta make da rent....

Then, one of the roommates, a doctor, moves out to finish his residency elsewhere. But, I don't exactly move into his room. Rather, I throw all of my stuff in there on the floor and fly home to Ohio 2 days later, (see previous post). I have been back in Oregon for about a week and a half now, and I still haven't unpacked...a little because I'm afriad I will have to move out again, but mostly because I have been working alot at my new place of employment, "Surftides". It's a hotel in Lincoln City, and I got the job after applying in December, when CWC cut my hours.

I have to walk 2 miles to work twice a day. Again, I don't know why they hired me, I have no hotel experience. And, again, it's a job that I'm good at...but I hate.

What do I love to do? I love to write!! I love to write books, screenplays, music, anything! But, I'm not going to make any money right now doing that. So, what do I do? I look for a job flipping burgers or folding sweaters. Basically, a job that a monkey could do...or a job that I know I can get...

Why don't I try harder? Maybe because I can't face another failure or denial. Peter always told our parents that he still believed in the teachings of our church, he just wasn't strong enough to resist those temptations. I kind of have the same confidence problem. I write and write so much stuff...but none of it will ever be looked upon by another human being, c'mon. This is just silly little movie scripts, comic books, and mystery novels that I play around with to amuse myself. Nobody gets my personality or brand of humor. Thus, I could never hope to one day write for a show like Conan O'Brien. People get him, (well, most people do anyways). But, I just don't have the one more gene that I need to make people understand what I am trying to do or say and enjoy it. Basically, it's only funny to myself.

So, that's why all of my writings, (besides this blog of course), will only ever be seen by me. I even threw out complete journals and books I had written when I had to pack up and move from Hawaii. It's a hobby, it's not a career...yet...maybe never. I have heard of people who had a hobby, (like playing the guitar), only to quit their job of 20 years and start a rock band or something. Only problem is, when that hobby becomes work, it's becomes no fun anymore. I don't want that to happen to the only thing in my life that has ever brought me joy.

So, we know that I'm good at something, but am not going to seek it as a career. We know that I'm good at something else for minimum wage, but hate both jobs so much I may end up strangling the next person who gives me shit, (boss or customer). So, what job could pay me more and give me some sense of accomplishment & could let me know that I'm not just some mindless drone?

Well, in the military, I used to install communication lines. I saw in the paper recently where they are hiring phone and cable installers. I have the experience and education, I think maybe should go for it. I must get a license though. So, probably tomorrow or Wednesday I will go down to the DMV and attempt this as step #1. In the meantime, I will update my resume, pick out a good outfit & practice my interviewing skills. I'll even do some research on the company & practice smiling. That should clinch it.

It is raining today, as it has pretty much everyday that I have been here. The dreary weather seems to reflect my soul most days, with no hope of light coming in. I need more sleep, I need more people to talk to....I need a reason to live.....why am I alive right now?.....why am I still here?......there is no purpose or sense of being for me......I could vanish from the planet and the world would still rotate, people would not even blink as they go on with their own lives....Was I meant for something great?......because I may not be, but anything is better than this.....



--Harms